My first STD was from a foam party
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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