I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
