My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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