My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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