I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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