My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
