Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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