Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your penis caused this!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
