my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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