the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
