I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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