My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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