my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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