I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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