you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
