A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
