Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
