I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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