I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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