I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
