i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize