I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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