Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
