You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
