After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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