Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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