In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
