Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I love having hate sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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