Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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