Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
