you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
