I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
