i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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