I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
