you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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