It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize