the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
