if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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