I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
