Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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