I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
