no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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