Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
