Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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