I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
