He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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