i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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