Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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