He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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