WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
