Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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