I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
