I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
