Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Im part way to drunk.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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