Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
