the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
