Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
