I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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