Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
